Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
