So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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