my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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