Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
