I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
