You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
