dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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