Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
