I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
