So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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