My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
operation have a gay friend backfired
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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