If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
