i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
