there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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