So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
