True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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