I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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