watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
May the power of my ass compel you!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
