just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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