During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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