Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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