Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
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