Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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