He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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