There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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