I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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