remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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