: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
