Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
