hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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