Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
