They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
