Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
