My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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