it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
