We named our party play list daddy issues
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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