We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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