I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
