I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
