i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
