I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
