my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
