yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
