for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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