Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
