do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
