my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
