I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
