i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
