he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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