What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
