I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can you bring me the toilet please
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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