if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
