i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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