glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i barfeds in our rink
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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