he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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