Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
