Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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