What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
