Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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