i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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